Why I Want a Wife 我為什麼希望有個老婆

李井崗 譯註

I belong to that ClASsification of people known as wives. I am a Wife. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother.

Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?

I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and if need be, support those dependent upon me, I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife to keep track of the children's doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife who will wash the children's clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturant attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, because, of cause, I cannot miss ClASses at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.

I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that somesone can aomtinue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and change of scene.

I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife who type my papers for me when I have written them.

I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who will take care of the babysitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about things that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an sahtray, that they are offered a second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself.

I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as possible.

If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I already have, I have the liberty to replace my present wife with another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will take the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am left free.

When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of a wife's duties.

My God, who wouldn't want a wife?

我屬於人稱老婆的那一類人，我是一個老婆。而且， 並非偶然，我還是一個母親。

不久前，我的一位新近離了婚的男性朋友出現在我的面前。他曾有過一個孩子，當然，孩子跟了他的前妻，他正在為自己重新物色一個老婆。一天傍晚慰衣服時，我想到了他。我突然萌發了我自己也要找一個老婆的念頭。我為什麼希望有個老婆呢？

我要重返校園，接受教育，以便能夠經濟獨立，自食其力，必要時還能養活那些要賴我維生的人。我要找一個有一份工作並願意送我上學的老婆。我希望有一個能夠隨時注意與孩子的醫生或者牙醫取得聯繫的老婆。我希望有一個能夠保證孩子飲食得當、衣着整潔的老婆。我希望有一個能夠替孩子縫補清洗衣服的老婆。我希望有一個能輔導孩子功課，安排其學業，保證其與同學們有足夠的社交時間並能帶他們逛公園、動物園等的老婆。一個當孩子需要特別照護時，能擠出時間陪伴其左右的老婆。因為我在學校的功課自然是耽誤不得的。我的老婆須得有個妥善的安排，上下班要遲到早退，但又不能丟了工作，這意味着我老婆的收入有時會被扣掉些許，不過我想這一點我還是能夠容忍的。不用説，我老婆上班時會把花錢找人看孩子的事安排好的。

我希望有一個能照料我身體需要的老婆。我希望有一個能夠保持房間整潔的老婆。一個孩子們在前面亂丟亂扔她也在後面拾掇的老婆。我希望有一個能夠把我的衣服洗得乾乾淨淨、慰得平平整整、縫補得完完好好，必要時還能夠替我添置新衣服的老婆。我希望有一個能替我做飯而且烹調技術還很不錯的老婆。我希望有一個會計劃菜譜、採購必備食品、做好飯菜、笑臉侍應，然後我去學習時能夠洗碗刷鍋的老婆。我希望有一個我生病時能關心我，而且對我的病痛和耽誤的學習有同情心的老婆。我希望有一個能夠隨全家一起度假的老婆，這樣當我需要休息和移換地方時，有人能繼續照料我和孩子。

我希望有這樣一個老婆，她不會喋喋不休地抱怨做妻子的義務來煩擾我。 可當我感到需要解釋我在學習中遇到難點時，我希望有一個能洗耳恭聽的老婆。我希望有一個在我寫完論文之後能替我打字的老婆。

我希望有一個對我的社交生活關照入微的老婆。當我和老婆應朋友之邀外出時，我希望有一個能對一切做出保姆般安排的老婆。當我在學校遇到喜歡的人想要款待時，我希望有這樣一個老婆，她會把房子收拾得乾乾淨淨，會燒出一桌特別的美味佳餚，款待我和我的朋友們，當我們談到彼此感興趣的事情時她不會打斷我們的雅興。我希望有這樣一個老婆，在我的客人們到來之前，為了不讓孩子們打攪我們，她已經妥為安排，讓孩子們吃過飯準備睡覺了。我希望有這樣一個老婆，她能照料好客人的一應需求，使他們有一種賓至如歸的感覺，她要確保他們有煙缸可用，能為他們送上餐前小吃，為他們添飯加菜，必要時還要替他們把酒杯加斟滿，還要按照客人的口味給他們衝咖啡。而且我希望有一個能理解我有時需要獨自外宿不歸的老婆。

我希望有一個對我的性要求反應敏感的老婆，一個當我有性要求時能充滿激情如飢似渴地與我做愛的老婆，一個能確實能讓我得到滿足的老婆。當然，我也希望有一個在我沒有興致時不主動提出性要求的老婆。我希望有一個能負起計劃生育全部責任的老婆，因為我不想要更多的孩子了。我希望有一個對我性專一的老婆，這樣我就不會因為爭風吃醋而影響學業了。我還希望有這樣一個老婆，她對我在性需求方面可能不會老老實實地嚴格遵守一夫一妻制能夠表示理解。畢竟，我必須能夠與儘可能多的人保持關係。

如果我偶然碰上一個比我現在的老婆更合適做老婆的人，我希望有休掉現在的老婆、重新另娶一個的自由。自然，我向往過一種新鮮的生活；我的老婆將撫養孩子，對他們全權負責。這樣，我就可以無牽無掛。

當我完成學業找到一份工作後，我希望我的老婆辭掉工作留在家裏，以便能夠更全身心地盡做老婆的本分。

我的天啦，誰不希望有一個老婆呢？

李井崗 譯註

I belong to that ClASsification of people known as wives. I am a Wife. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother.

Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?

I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and if need be, support those dependent upon me, I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife to keep track of the children's doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife who will wash the children's clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturant attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, because, of cause, I cannot miss ClASses at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.

I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that somesone can aomtinue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and change of scene.

I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife who type my papers for me when I have written them.

I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who will take care of the babysitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about things that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an sahtray, that they are offered a second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself.